About Me

“Can you move the box of wine that’s in the oven?”, I said while on the phone to my son’s babysitter.  How could I have let this happen?  I’m always so careful about hiding the evidence. I can’t let people see the cracks.  I didn’t know it was going to get worse before it got better.

At 29 I was single, a mature student, and pregnant.  That wasn’t the plan.  Having a child turned out to be my greatest joy in life.  I had this sweet little boy; I was going to raise him on my own and we’d have a wonderful life.

My son and I had a full and happy life.  There were always friends around and adventures waiting to be had.  At that time I was only a social drinker.  Then wine o’clock started to take hold.  It became quite normal to arrive home from work and have a glass of wine to release the day.  

As time went on, the wine crept in more frequently and more intensely.  I began to withdraw socially and the adventures were starting to dwindle.  Our life started to get small.  My stress and anxiety were becoming unmanageable, and sleep was hard to come by.  I never for a second attributed any of that to drinking.  Wine was my escape from it all,  my reward for rocking this life.  I thought alcohol was keeping it all together.

I started to see the truth one day when I was walking off a pedway and going down an escalator to get to my office building.  I was feeling a little wobbly in my stilettos and had to hold the railing for fear I would fall into the people in front of me.  Opposite me were people coming up the escalator and I wondered if they could see behind the curtain.  Could they see that I was still drunk from the previous night and that I was a mess?  Part of me wanted to scream out “I need help, can’t anyone see that I need help”.  They just smiled as they passed and seemed not to notice.  I was a master of disguise in those days, always looking like I had it all together.  When I did get to my office I went into the washroom and cried. I knew something had to change but I couldn’t imagine how I would do it.  By lunch, I had pushed the pain into that place where you put the things you want to forget.  That was my life, day after day.  Waking up full of remorse, feeling sick, disgusted with myself, feeling like a fraud because no one knew, and over-filling that place where things go to be forgotten.

By the time I reached 38, I had evolved into a daily drinker consuming multiple bottles a night.  That wasn’t how I was meant to live. My coping mechanisms were no longer working.   If alcohol was keeping it all together then why was it all falling apart?

I didn’t feel happy or relaxed after drinking, I only felt numb.

Shortly after my fortieth birthday, I checked myself into a rehab for alcohol misuse disorder.  I had become so dependent on alcohol I couldn’t do anything without it.  I couldn’t imagine a life without it.  On October 21, 2011, I made the decision to remove alcohol from my life.  I was lucky to have found peace through a beautiful program and I was able to put my life back together.

Helping women enjoy freedom from alcohol through coaching and volunteer organizations has become one of my great passions in life.  I’m grateful to have the privilege of sharing this journey.